Worries, Worries, Worries

I need somewhere to get things of my chest and I decided this is it. This could get a bit deep so be warned.

On 19th July I have to go to court to see if our mortgage company will be granted permission to take back our flat!

OH was made redundant when I started Mat leave and we have never fully caught back up. We have tried he is now working as a sub-contractor and has contracted himself out. He works 4 days a week with collage on one day at the moment. He is on good money just not good enough. I work two evenings a week and one day of a weekend every other week with the odd extra shift depending on child care.

Because I am UN-willing set up a monthly direct debit (our wages are different each month and I really need to keep track on in-comings and outgoings) they have decided on court action. I have been calling and paying what I can weekly but they are not happy with this. My OH is so blasé about it all I am trying to sort out some sort of legal advice for us as well as getting the flat on the market before the court date so hopefully they will let us sell it ourselves which is all we want!!

So at the moment due to painting and decorating going on in the flat which cannot be done with a 15month old in residence quickly I am at my MIL's house (read my very first post for more info!!) Now if the flat is repossessed I am shit scared that I am going to end up stuck there indefinitely so I've been frantically putting our names down on the housing association lists and panicking as we cant afford to rent anywhere without some financial help that we cant apply for until we move into somewhere. This is fine but then if we don't qualify for help we are again stuck somewhere we cant afford. Catch 22 really.

Now you could label me as a scrounger because I'm doing this and admitting I will need some financial help for a while; but I work and I pay tax and national insurance so this really is not the case. The thing is OH is so laid back about the whole thing he refuses to help with the bills and mortgage as he says if they are going to take it anyway whats the point. MIL just keeps going on about us going bankrupt. She has no idea what this entails and I have tried to explain .My best friend deals with bankruptcy so i discussed it all with her and decided its not the road I want to take. Still MIL goes on about it to me and also to anyone else in the family that will listen! Oh God shoot me now!!!!

I'm making myself ill worrying about all of this and I feel so stressed I feel like I'm not being a good mum either. I have no energy or inclination to do anything which is so wrong on many levels. I try my hardest to go out during the day if only for a walk to keep my daughter amused and happy but I really feel like I'm failing.

I feel I would be better as a single mum and cut loose on a relationship that I really don't think is working any more, after 10 years I admit I'm scared to be alone and what if no-one will want me again?!! On the other hand when things are good it's fab and I love him. I'm hoping after all this is over and I know where we stand with regards to the fat and our living situation maybe being a bit more relaxed in myself things may be different. It cant all be his fault god knows I can be difficult and highly strung at times.

The other thing getting me down is my weight. I know lots of mums are saying the same thing and are on diets and trying to loose the baby weight which is fab but my baby is over a year old I should have done that already.

I'm going the let you into the extent of my problem all 256.6 Ilbs of it!! Yes you heard right!!! Now i'm tall so can get away with a bit of extra weight and I've always had a bit of a belly but after a c-section and 9months of pregnancy I have this apron of FAT that just hangs and this is the bit I hate. I can see how big I have got and I hate it but I don't know where to start with it all. I'm going to try the Dukan Diet and see how I go but I am worried that the no carb's element is going to cause me problems as it is carb's that give you energy and aid growth etc and with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I need all the energy I can get!!

I feel a bit better for getting all this off my chest to people who hopefully wont judge me and how I decide to do things. I am just so tired, stressed and I think a little depressed. Now that was hard to admit.

Chin up Kelly at least i'm mainly healthy and I have a beautiful daughter to make me smile everyday in so many ways. *sheds a tear or 10*