Due Date......

It's 11:02pm so just under an hour till the big 'DUE DATE' I really wish they gave you a 'Due Week' because everyone; myself included is fixed on this one date like suddenly at 1 min past midnight your going to arrive.

It doesn't happen like that. It happens when you & my body decide it will or when your evicted by other means for over staying your welcome ;-) Even now, even with you being my second baby & knowing it doesn't work like that i'm waiting like a ticking time bomb for something to happen.

I'm already feeling defensive & annoyed at the calls & messages i'll receive from well meaning family & friends wanting to know whats happening and the inevitable 'you not had that baby yet' comments that drive me insane. I've decided they will be met with a sarcastic response or ignored completely (depending who it is perhaps in some cases ;-).

Part of me would love to go into labour myself with no sweep etc perhaps more chance of the holy grail that is a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean section)

The other part of me would like to be induced so I can plan childcare for Madison & feel more at ease about leaving her. To also know that this time I will be properly monitored, properly medicated (pain relief wise ;-) & perhaps have the birth I imagined for my first pregnancy.

For now i'm taking each day as it comes. I have the consultant Friday (40+2) so can discuss next steps etc & hopefully feel a bit more in control & ready to be a family of 4.

Watch this space, hopefully I can try & tweet some of my labour etc but you will know when Baby Carter has entered the world!!

Wish me luck ;-) xx

Guessing Game

So It's now 2013 and 23 days till my due date with baby No2 :-/ Eeeeeek.

I've got a box at home full off predictions from friends & family on the date my baby will arrive, it's gender & it's weight. I thought it might be a bit of fun to see what you twitter folks think.

Theres no prize to speak of except the pride of getting all or some of it correct lol ;-)


Here's a few bit's of info to help with your guesses...........

Madison was 8 days late & labour started with a stretch & sweep on day 6 of being overdue.

Madison weighed in at 7Ilb 5oz.

I am carrying higher this pregnancy than with Madison.

Sickness stopped slightly sooner & was about the same as when I was pregnant with Madison.

No cravings as such this pregnancy.

Much more active baby this time from what i remember with Madison.

This is just a bit of fun, please leave your guesses as comments & i'll blog details after the new arrival is here.

I've added the most recent photo of me now next to one of me pregnant with Madison. This bump comes & goes daily rolling to front & then back again so it's the best picture i've got ;-)

Control Freak or Organised?!

With Christmas approaching very fast my thought's are naturally turning to thoughts of labour and birth of baby Carter Mk2 who is due on 23rd January 2013. I'm hoping for slightly early & not another late baby ;-)

My main thoughts are centered around my daughter, Madison. She is my world, THE MOST important person in my life.

My labour & birth with Madison was long. I made two late night visits to hospital over two days of contractions, to be turned away. The third day saw me admitted late at night followed by emergency c-section (birth story on the blog).

Now the reason I bring this up is because this time around I have Madison. I cannot just pop to the hospital to be checked out & then be sent away because I will have to call my mum or Robs mum to come & have Madison while we do this. The thought of messing people about in the middle if the night scares me :-/ the thought of Madison seeing me in distress scares me :-/ I have also transferred my care to a hospital a bit further away so the traveling time is increased also!

I want Madison to be prepared to wake up one morning without me or her dad there but her nanny or granny. I've tried explaining this to her & she seems to understand but I guess I won't know if she fully understands until it happens.

I want Madison to be cared for at our house in familiar surroundings. If i am away for more than one night I want her to sleep at home in her own bed with the routine she knows.

If I have to stay in after baby is born I want Rob to be home to do bedtime with her.

I want Rob to tell her if she has a brother or sister!

I want her to be the first visitor for the baby!

Theres lots I 'WANT' for her & for me; to feel secure & happy so I can concentrate on delivering baby 2 & not worrying about how Madison is & where she is! I know there are some very strong characters in Robs family who like to think they know best!!! so I have written all my thoughts & wants down & made sure Rob is clear & agrees on them all so hopefully us being united in these things will make sure they happen.

Ultimately i know when it all kicks off & i'm in labour i won't have chance to worry about Madison but I want to be as relaxed as possible before hand & know those people I call on to help with Madison etc know my expectations.

I'm pretty sure I come across as a major control freak but I want my daughter to feel safe & secure at the start of what may be a very tough journey for her......becoming a big sister!!!

Are you Mad?!

After reading a post by a friend about her reasons for only having one child it got me to thinking about my own reasons for wanting two. As i've been struggling with the thought of baby no2 (due in Jan 2013) this has been therapeutic for me as well.

I've known from a fairly young age that I wanted more than one child. As a teenager I guess this was because I was one of a pair; my brother & I. It was the 'norm'.

Growing older & ultimately having Madison changed my mind on this. I have nothing against people choosing to have only one child for medical reasons or through personal choice, financial restrictions etc. I fully understand that one child will usually be able to do all the extra curricular activities, school trips, family holidays etc and perhaps my two children will end up missing out on some of these things though I will try my hardest to make sure they do not.

I do not feel I have missed out on anything due to having a sibling, we both did after school clubs, school trips & had family holidays. We have always been treated the same as far as possible by our parents; although both my brother & I have at various times through the years felt left out. In my adult years looking back this wasn't the case it just felt like it at the time.

My reasons now for wanting a second child is for Madison. Yes to start with bringing a new baby into the house will turn her world and mine upside down & rock the boat. It WILL be hard there WILL be tears both hers and mine.....

BUT when I am no longer around I want Madison to have someone she can turn to, that knows her & her up-bringing that has been there from the start, that she shares memories with of her childhood of me of events in her life before any partner or children she may go on to have and visa versa for the 'new baby'. These are my own personal feelings and I do not wish to offend anyone who feels differently but these are my honest reasons for wanting a second child.

I am lucky to have a decent relationship with my brother........now. It wasn't always that way believe me but he always has my back and I his even if we weren't on the best of terms. I want Madison to have that & experience that.

At the moment I am 32 weeks pregnant & worry everyday if I have done the 'right' thing in having a second baby. I was pointed to this poem (I cannot take credit for it as i did not write it) It struck a cord with me & made me feel better about my decision & strengthened my belief in my reasons for baby No2.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply.

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Author Unknown


I'm sure there will be times over the coming years when I think how much easier life would have been with just one child but i'm hoping watching my TWO babies play together will change my mind & reinforce my decision to have more than one child. Watch this space it's sure to ne a rocky ride ;-)

First day of Pre-School

Dear Madison,

Today was your first session at pre-school. You are doing Wednesday & Thursday afternoons. Just 3 hour sessions but boy do I miss you.

You were such a good girl today we went to the shops in the morning to pick up your new big girl back pack to take with you & then we had some lunch before leaving for school.

You kept saying you felt sick & were shy but I kept explaining to you what would happen & that you would have lots of children & toys to play with & you settled down.

We parked a little way away from the school so we could have a little walk & time together. You were so exited to wear your backpack ;-)

When we got into the school we were taken to see Becky, your key worker. Becky had been to our house to meet you so was a friendly face. You did go shy & asked to be picked up but it didn't last long.

Becky had left you with a little pink box when she visited you at home that you were to return on your first day. You excitedly got it out of your new bag & gave it back to Becky. We went & sat by the other children & said hello & then Becky took you to show you some toys.

You played happily with Becky & mummy watched from a distance. You came back to find me a couple of times but I was able to engage you in playing without me again. After 15 minutes I came & told you I was going to do some jobs at home & that I would be back to get you later. I gave you & kiss & cuddle & left. You were such a big girl no tears at all.

Mummy had a little cry; it was the first time i've left you for so long with no real reason & not with a member of our family. Mummy called to check on you a little while later. I was told you were painting & playing with play dough. You apparently had a few tears but were easily distracted away from being upset.

Mummy is SO proud of you for being such a big girl & taking to pre-school so well. I loved coming to pick you up with daddy & hearing about all the things you had been up too.

I was presented with a big painting that you had done & told how well you were doing settling in. You had one accident with toileting but had a successful wee & poo too ;-)

On the way home in the car you told us that you had taken a piece of puzzle away from a little boy & then ran away & that the lady 'catched you' & gave the puzzle back to the little boy. We discussed sharing & I hope pre-school will help reinforce the lessons i've tried to teach you about sharing.

Mummy hopes that your second session will go just as well & that you will not be upset to be left & happily go onto pre-school waving me off with your cheeky smile. You said at bedtime you didn't want to go again but changed your mind 5 mins later. Time will tell & I hope each week it will be easier for you & mummy.

I know this change is for the best & will help you to grow & develop more than staying with mummy all day ever could. Mummy is immensely proud of you anyway baby girl & you give me more reasons to be every day!!

Mummy loves you to the moon & back Madison, ALWAYS!!!

xxxx

Worries, Worries, Worries

I need somewhere to get things of my chest and I decided this is it. This could get a bit deep so be warned.

On 19th July I have to go to court to see if our mortgage company will be granted permission to take back our flat!

OH was made redundant when I started Mat leave and we have never fully caught back up. We have tried he is now working as a sub-contractor and has contracted himself out. He works 4 days a week with collage on one day at the moment. He is on good money just not good enough. I work two evenings a week and one day of a weekend every other week with the odd extra shift depending on child care.

Because I am UN-willing set up a monthly direct debit (our wages are different each month and I really need to keep track on in-comings and outgoings) they have decided on court action. I have been calling and paying what I can weekly but they are not happy with this. My OH is so blasé about it all I am trying to sort out some sort of legal advice for us as well as getting the flat on the market before the court date so hopefully they will let us sell it ourselves which is all we want!!

So at the moment due to painting and decorating going on in the flat which cannot be done with a 15month old in residence quickly I am at my MIL's house (read my very first post for more info!!) Now if the flat is repossessed I am shit scared that I am going to end up stuck there indefinitely so I've been frantically putting our names down on the housing association lists and panicking as we cant afford to rent anywhere without some financial help that we cant apply for until we move into somewhere. This is fine but then if we don't qualify for help we are again stuck somewhere we cant afford. Catch 22 really.

Now you could label me as a scrounger because I'm doing this and admitting I will need some financial help for a while; but I work and I pay tax and national insurance so this really is not the case. The thing is OH is so laid back about the whole thing he refuses to help with the bills and mortgage as he says if they are going to take it anyway whats the point. MIL just keeps going on about us going bankrupt. She has no idea what this entails and I have tried to explain .My best friend deals with bankruptcy so i discussed it all with her and decided its not the road I want to take. Still MIL goes on about it to me and also to anyone else in the family that will listen! Oh God shoot me now!!!!

I'm making myself ill worrying about all of this and I feel so stressed I feel like I'm not being a good mum either. I have no energy or inclination to do anything which is so wrong on many levels. I try my hardest to go out during the day if only for a walk to keep my daughter amused and happy but I really feel like I'm failing.

I feel I would be better as a single mum and cut loose on a relationship that I really don't think is working any more, after 10 years I admit I'm scared to be alone and what if no-one will want me again?!! On the other hand when things are good it's fab and I love him. I'm hoping after all this is over and I know where we stand with regards to the fat and our living situation maybe being a bit more relaxed in myself things may be different. It cant all be his fault god knows I can be difficult and highly strung at times.

The other thing getting me down is my weight. I know lots of mums are saying the same thing and are on diets and trying to loose the baby weight which is fab but my baby is over a year old I should have done that already.

I'm going the let you into the extent of my problem all 256.6 Ilbs of it!! Yes you heard right!!! Now i'm tall so can get away with a bit of extra weight and I've always had a bit of a belly but after a c-section and 9months of pregnancy I have this apron of FAT that just hangs and this is the bit I hate. I can see how big I have got and I hate it but I don't know where to start with it all. I'm going to try the Dukan Diet and see how I go but I am worried that the no carb's element is going to cause me problems as it is carb's that give you energy and aid growth etc and with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I need all the energy I can get!!

I feel a bit better for getting all this off my chest to people who hopefully wont judge me and how I decide to do things. I am just so tired, stressed and I think a little depressed. Now that was hard to admit.

Chin up Kelly at least i'm mainly healthy and I have a beautiful daughter to make me smile everyday in so many ways. *sheds a tear or 10*

For My Daughter

I never knew what I should do.
My life was meaningless till you.

Coming by you was hard to do.
We very nearly lost you too.

We spend our days just you and me,
Playing, laughing, tickling feet.

Your beautiful smile makes me soar,
Hugs you give leave me wanting more.

Your my little ray of sun,
My beautiful baby MADISON!!


Madison,

You are and will always be the best thing I have ever done. Your perfect in every way to me and no matter where life takes me or you I am and will always be here for you when you need me and sometimes when you don't.

The day you came into this world was the day I truly started living. You brighten my life every single day with your cheeky smile and determined nature. Watching you learn and work
things out for yourself is the most amazing thing I have ever been privalidged to witness. You are beautiful, smart and headstrong and I love this about you.

Everyone you come into contact with is instantly drawn to you and under your spell. Your charming and smiley and I love you more than words can express.

Remember always you can come to me about anything I'm not here to judge I'm here to help and guide you and will do so the best I know how. Mistakes will be made by both you and I but remember we are both only human.

I will love you always with all of my being.

Mummy
xx